Write a Hook That Captivates
I am proud to announce that my first book has now been rejected by over 20 agents, none of which asked to read beyond the first chapter.
The most recent rejection was from an agent I was sure would sign me. After 9 weeks of checking my spam folder “just in case”, I received a response. This is what I learned from it: my ideas are original, my platform exceeds expectations, and my writing is almost not horrible.
Almost.
I realized I have a lot to learn. That night, I bought several books on Amazon on self-editing and selected two-day delivery to ensure I’d be a master of prose in no more than a week. The first of my research agreed with some advice I always heard but assumed didn’t apply to me: Generous readers give your book three pages to captivate. Most give you one sentence. Agents aren’t rejecting my project without cause. Maybe this is one of the reasons.
Generous readers give your book three pages to captivate. Most give you one sentence.
Let’s analyse my first sentence:
“Evan checked the bathroom to make sure it was empty then ducked into the nearest stall, latching it shut behind him.”
I can think of two good things to say. First, it makes you wonder (if even just a little) why he needs the bathroom to be empty. Second, it is grammatically correct.
Let’s focus on what successful authors have done and steal their techniques. These examples are from books I grabbed from my shelf at random. They all share one thing — their first sentences are flipping awesome.
Scythe
“We must, by law, keep a record of the innocents we kill.”
~Neal Shusterman
This is the type of writing that makes me want to both salute and stab the author. It’s so good, I have to respect it, no matter how jealous it makes me.
- “By law” coupled with “innocents we kill” is instantly enthralling. What kind of society allows murder?
- Cold, business-like narration characterizes the author of this journal entry and generates more curiosity.
- We infer whoever is doing the killing does it frequently enough to necessitate record-keeping. Now we have to read on.
The Hobbit
“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.”
~J.R.R. Tolkien
Beginnings don’t have to be jarring to be interesting. A simple sentence like this is enough to make a reader think, “What’s with these ‘Hobbit’ creatures?” and then keep reading. That is the primary goal.
The Glass Castle: A Memoir
“I was sitting in a taxi, wondering if I had overdressed for the evening, when I looked out the window and saw Mom rooting through a Dumpster.”
~Jeannette Walls
Here the author starts with character, and it works wonderfully. We get a contrast between two important people in the story: Jeannette and her mother. Even more important, we’re drawn in by their relationship. If Jeanette is wealthy enough for a cab and fancy clothes, why is her mother rummaging in the trash?
The Eye of the World
“The palace still shook occasionally as the earth rumbled in memory, groaned as if it would deny what had happened.”
~Robert Jordan
I don’t care if it’s cliche to say, this sentence gives me chills. It perfectly portrays the colossal scale of the series and hooks the reader. We must know what was so horrible it caused a literal earthquake.
Fixing my book
Let’s look at it my first quote again.
“Evan checked the bathroom to make sure it was empty then ducked into the nearest stall, latching it shut behind him.”
It doesn’t hold up. Not against the simplicity of Toklien’s opening, the scale of Jordan’s, the characterization of Walls’, or the intrigue of Shusterman’s. What can we do to make it better? Here is a question stolen from Stein on Writing that may help:
“Can you make your first sentence more intriguing by introducing something unusual, something shocking perhaps, or something that will surprise the reader?”
~Sol Stein
As it happens, there is something intriguing in the first paragraph of my novel:
“…He held the book cautiously under the light. The cover was embossed with intricate gold trim, and each page was made of perfectly crisp, old-fashioned parchment, like something a medieval king would use to record his valiant deeds.”
Not a horrible description, but is it enough to capture the reader in its current state? Not if over 20 professionals have anything to say about it. Let’s try adding this old, fancy book to the first sentence, leaving out the description.
“Evan tucked the book of a dead warrior’s memories under his arm and slipped into the vacant bathroom where no prying eyes would catch him reading.”
I’d say this is significantly better, but not sufficient. We have something unusual and we have someone acting suspicious. There’s still no clear conflict, however, and it’s too wordy. Let’s fix the first problem:
Evan’s book was capable of transporting him to the memories of a dead warrior, but at the moment, he had to escape his friends’ prying eyes.
Finally, the hook has some good content. We’ll clean it up just a touch. First, here’s the original:
“Evan checked the bathroom to make sure it was empty then ducked into the nearest stall, latching it shut behind him.”
Now, the finished product:
“Evan’s book could transport him to a dead warrior’s past, if only he could escape his friends long enough to use it.”
While I’m sure there are a dozen ways to improve it, I think we can agree my new first sentence is exponentially better than it was before. Along the way, I’ve learned the basics of crafting a hook, and hopefully you have too. remember, a good first sentence compels the reader to continue. Use intrigue, conflict, surprise, and contrast, but make it brief.
